Let go

Oh I find myself thinking, wondering how come I am the way I am
I didn't ask to be this way
I just am
No one understands what my life is like aside from my friends I met in support group
To be honest they are truly my only friends
I had a past
I sometimes can't escape it
I try to find some semblance of normalcy to my life
It's never easy feeling different
What am I supposed to do
Pretend like it doesn't hurt
Put on a brave face
Hide behind my fears
My tears of sorrow
I lived in pain for so long
You would never know the pain I carry in my heart
How could you
You don't know me
The real me
The essence of my being
My very soul
I've cried many tears
I pretended to be someone I just couldn't be anymore
It was all pretend
No one saw the pain behind my smile
No one knew what was in my heart
No one knew the real me
I lived in perpetual secrecy
My world was me and me alone
I had no friends
I was afraid to make friends
I lived in fear
Fear of what you ask
Fear of being found out
Fear of being beaten up
Fear of being hurt so bad by others by their words, their actions
Fear of being killed
For trying to be my true self
No the risk was far to great
I couldn't tell a soul
I had to just live in total denial
Never telling a soul
I had to make believe my whole life
My life was a sham
Pure make believe
I could only be my true self in hiding
I had to live with guilt
Self loathing
Not my choice
You don't know the hell I've been through
You never will
Only I know it
I can't truly discuss it because it hurts too damn much
I cry everyday
Life sucks when you are different
When no one understands you
You can't get back the lost years
The years you wished there was something you could do to help get past the loneliness
The isolation
The depression
The feelings of wanting to commit suicide
It was the worst time of my life
I had to put up a charade
I had to pretend everything was peachy-keen
The reality was that it was misery
I can't begin to tell you how many days I suffered in my quest to be normal
What the hell does normal mean
I don't have a clue
Do you?
What does normal mean to you?
That all boys are boys?
That all girls are girls?
Isn't it possible that a boy truly feels they were meant to be a girl?
Why is that so hard to comprehend
I get it
Because that is what I am
I am a girl
But not in the eyes of society
So what if I have a male anatomy
That's not what's in my heart
I don't care what society thinks
I don't care what you think
I don't care what my sisters think
I don't care what anyone thinks
For all I care if they don't accept me for who I am they can go jump in a lake
I mean it
I'm fed up already
I'm fed up with the ignorance
I'm fed up with the news of yet another beautiful transgender girl brutally murdered
For what?
For being her true self
I hate the world for its ignorance
I hate society too for its intolerance
I hate anyone who crosses my path and spits at me for being my trueself
I won't stand for it anymore
I'm tired of hiding
I'm tired of pretending
I'm tired of living a lie
I'm tired of running away
It's finally time I be my true self
I am a woman
A transgender woman
It's finally time I
Let go

Emily Iannielli‚Äč
of T-girl Angel‚Äč

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